Taken fmemoirs2rom the prologue of my memoir, “Woke Up Covered in Bitches Again:  Observations of an Internet Radio Host.”

  1. My name is Darrin. My middle name was almost “Jesus” (Pronounced: hey-SOOS, after a Mexican army buddy of my Dad’s — the GUY was Mexican, that is.  My Dad was, to my knowledge, NEVER in the Mexican army.)  They decided at the last minute to go with “Jay” instead.
  2. I’m a music freak.  If I hear a song I like, I immediately go on a quest to acquire everything that band has ever put out; then everything the members of that band have ever worked on separately; then everything friends of the members of the band have ever worked on.  Then I just paint myself in camouflage and sneak around musician’s yards hoping to catch a glimpse of them on the potty.
  3. I am a compulsive workaholic, though not necessarily for the day job.  The last time I called in sick to work was in 1992, when I told a temp agency I was too sick to go inventory some restaurant supply company for $5 an hour.  I was lying. I’ve never actually been sick enough to miss work in my entire adult life.
  4. I really like tight vocal bands.  Probably comes from being in a Barber Shop Quartet back in Jr. High. The Manhattan Transfer’s Brasil is one of my favorite CD’s.  I’m so ashamed.
  5. I once met Adrian Belew, but I think I frightened him.  I once met George Takei, and he frightened me.  As far as I can remember, these are the only two celebrities I’ve met.  Either way, it seems when celebrities and I meet, someone pees in their pants … just a little.
  6. Remember those Neo-Synephrine commercials when we were kids, when they’d unscrew the lid and the bottle would breathe in and out?  Those used to creep me out.  I almost lost it when I opened my grandfather’s medicine cabinet one time and saw one sitting there.  Okay, I was five, but still…
  7. My best friend is a stuffed Tony the Tiger I got during my first year of life.  He went to college with me.  He currently guards the server rack in my basement, along with a Fredbird and an Opus the Penguin.  I figure I’ll be buried or cremated with Tony someday though.
  8. I’ve played keyboards in a number of bands, despite the fact that I get terrified playing in front of an audience, and studio work bores the piss out of me.  I just like jammin’ with my buds.  There is a double-LP concept album coming.  I’m just too lazy to finish it.
  9. Someday I’m going to finish  I intended it to be a dating site where, after a date, you get to edit the other person’s profile to make it more truthful.  It’s like meets Wikipedia — WikiHarmony.
  10. I blog at least 500 words a day.  Some of it is professional, some of it is ghost writing on topics I know nothing about, some of it never gets posted because it might keep me from winning an elected office someday.  My new year’s resolution was to start posting everything.  “Quantity instead of quality” is my theme for 2012.  Obviously that isn’t working out too well either.
  11. I’ve been racking my brain for hours trying to figure out Kevin’s metaphor about pancakes and marriages.  Okay, if the marriage is a pancake … and the griddle has to be hot first … then which of us is griddle again and should I really be cooking bacon and other breakfast foods while naked?
  12. I am bored by most sports, but I love baseball.  I had a stellar little-league career. Okay, not really. I sucked.
  13. I have been a serial dater for about three years now.  I average about 75-100 first dates a year … maybe a dozen second dates … so far, no third dates.  I generally can find the deal-breaker within the first 20-30 minutes, which is why I almost always do lunch for the first date.  In and out in an hour, no lasting side-effects.
  14. My favorite type of music is prog rock, and jazz fusion, oh and shoegaze, and bebop, and psychedelic, though lately I’ve really be getting into chillwave, and indie, still have a soft spot for metal, though I’ve recently been exploring synthpop, of course there’s nothing wrong with classic rock, or even classical for that matter, though sometimes I pop in ambient music instead.  Basically I have trouble deciding what to listen to so usually I just put on an old Yes album.
  15. I’m a big fan of radio, especially live radio with a real personality.  The Internet is really a god-send for that, since you can no pretty much listen to any radio station in the world right on your computer.  No matter how late it is, there’s always a station somewhere with a live DJ playing tunes and wondering if anybody is listening to him.  Unfortunately, sometimes you have to know Russian to be able to understand what he’s saying.
  16. Follow up:  Females with accents, especially Russian/Slovenian accents, are a weird fetish of mine.  I think it goes back to Boris and Natasha.
  17. The only food I won’t eat is organ meat.  Well, unless it’s deep fried and dipped in nacho cheese.  I would probably eat a truck if you deep fried it and dipped it in nacho cheese.
  18. When I was little, I wanted to be an astronomer.  For some reason I abandoned dreams in High School.  I wonder if that’s normal.  I took a few astronomy classes in college, and looked into going back getting a second degree in it last year, but they said since it had been sixteen years since my last math class, I’d probably explode my brain on the physics requirements.
  19. Seanbaby and Lore Sjoberg are, IMHO, the two funniest guys on the Internet.  I feel despair when I witness their verbal and written talents.
  20. I read comic books.  My collection from the past 35 years is worth enough to buy a very nice car, if I ever got the nerve to sell it.  I know some of them have artistic and literary value and all, but secretly, I prefer the ones where the spandex clad good guy beats the tar out of the campy bad guy in a really cool secret fortress somewhere.  There’s a childlike simplicity to that.
  21. Sometimes, I get a little choked up at the end of Star Trek IV … you know, when they … surprise … see the new Enterprise for the first time.
  22. After years of making fun of “Social Media Consultants” and “Professional Bloggers,” I finally am asked to be one. What’s next?  IT Recruiter!?  This represents a significant pay cut from my rock star coder days during the dot-com boom, but then again, aside from that brief period in 2011, I haven’t actually had to use my brain in a professional capacity since 2006 and only once have I had an irate manager call me at 2AM with an emergency.
  23. “Darts” is not a sport … because I’m really good at it.
  24. I’m really sick of terms like “New Media,” “Moblogging,” and “Social Networking.”  Mostly because it means pop culture has latched onto it, and I’m not “cutting-edge” anymore.
  25. I have reverse seasonal affective disorder: I am happiest and most-productive in Winter, but get depressed and lathargic in Summer.  Snowball fights are fun; sweating sucks.
  26. Of course my girlfriend doesn’t know what “our song” is.  She doesn’t even know we’ve been dating for the past year.

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